Essays — 2018 · 3 min read · Translated from German
Why we are often not ourselves
How our surroundings influence us.
It is not other people or places that are so beautiful that we feel good. The opposite is true: we find people and places beautiful because the effect they have on us makes us feel good.
“If we do not create and control our environment, our environment creates and controls us.”
Marshall Goldsmith, Triggers
Our surroundings influence who we are. We might feel less comfortable in the city than in the countryside. What matters here is our self-perception: “WE” feel differently about “OURSELVES” in the city than in the countryside. It is not the place itself that feels good. We tend to want to judge as objectively as possible and try to block out our self-perception. Yet it is exactly this perception that is so helpful when it comes to making decisions.
We perceive the people around us in the same way. We like certain people because we like ourselves when we spend time with them. Whether these people are objectively good is secondary. That is why we fall in love with people who, purely on paper, would not be the best choice.
Whether this is good or bad is up to each of us. But it helps to know about this effect, and we should take it into account in our decisions.
What we are looking for doesn’t even have to be a good feeling. Often a feeling of congruence is enough. We find company that matches our own identity satisfying. We get what we think we deserve.
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
Jim Rohn
Our environment doesn’t only influence our current behaviour; it is part of our development. Still, it isn’t wise to choose your friends by such criteria. What matters much more is where the rest of our input comes from – because there are people behind books, podcasts and TV series, too. Choosing wisely here is crucial.
Defence
Once we know about this effect, we are influenced less. We can consciously spend time in places that have a positive influence on us. It becomes easier to be empathetic and to understand our relationships. We can avoid people who influence us negatively sooner – because too often we think we ourselves are the cause of our negative thoughts.
Offence
We can start using this power by changing our environment in our favour. Important moments can be planned in important places. We can deliberately bring the right people close when we need their energy most.
By the same criteria, we can also start questioning our own behaviour. Do I behave in a way that makes the other person feel good? Or am I just trying to get this person to like me? The second follows from the first – but not the other way round.
