Essays — 2018 · 2 min read · Translated from German
What we learn when we are alone
and how independence improves our relationships.
“Only in solitude can we find ourselves. Solitude is not loneliness – it is the greatest adventure!”
Hermann Hesse
In Hermann Hesse’s time, this quote was a little easier to understand. Today we are often only physically alone. Through digital communication we stay in constant mental contact. It cannot replace personal contact – but it also means we never experience being truly alone. In a way, this is the perfect starting point.
This new kind of connectedness lets us avoid loneliness and consciously choose to be alone – if we manage to.
Whoever cannot be alone depends on other people. Their own well-being is then in the hands of others. This is bad for both sides, not to mention the negative effect on the relationship between them. Everyone is first and foremost responsible for their own happiness. This responsibility should not be handed over to others.
We should learn to value our own company more. Only then can we truly value the company of others. Otherwise, we soon no longer spend our time with people we like, but with people we need in order not to feel lonely.
When we decide to be alone, our perception changes. Instead of paying attention to new impulses, it turns towards our own sensations – even while we are busy with our surroundings or other tasks. We can concentrate better alone, because no outside impulse interrupts our stream of thought. Our focus sharpens and allows us to go deeper into our thoughts.
“Having to be alone is hard. Being able to be alone is beautiful.”
Rabindranath Tagore
Our identity is shaped to a large extent by other people. Through interaction, we get a second impression of our behaviour. When this is missing, we can form our own picture of ourselves.
As humans, we are social beings. Still, we can and should learn to be emotionally independent. We don’t need another person to feel complete. Only once we have reached this state are we free – and able to enter into healthy relationships with others.
In relationships, this ability is essential. A healthy relationship is only possible if both partners can also be alone. Emotional independence is what makes a balanced life together possible.
Even in relationships, we are responsible for our own happiness. Handing this responsibility to our partner creates tension and throws the relationship off balance. A partnership should enrich our lives. It is not responsible for keeping us happy, satisfied and entertained.
Loneliness, on the other hand, is bad for us. Lonely people are less happy, less physically healthy and have a shorter life expectancy.
